How to cope with having a gay family member

lgbtFor the Christian, there has to be nothing more painful than knowing that a family member is struggling with or living defiantly in a lifestyle contrary to God’s moral laws. Whether it be drugs, addictions, sexual immorality of all kinds and various other offenses against God.  It’s extremely painful for all involved.

I recently received an email from a reader of my blog desperate for answers in how to cope with her daughter who is a lesbian.  This reader has done the best she could in raising a child up in a godly home. But circumstances beyond her control have led her daughter to choose the lesbian lifestyle.  What shall she do?

After watching my aunt deal with my lesbian cousin, I’ve learned a lot how one can successfully cope with an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgendered) family member while not losing one’s heart, hope and mind in the process.

Here’s a list of a few things that I’ve witnessed from my aunt and others who are coping well:

  1. Pray!  Immediately put that family in your prayers and ask God for their deliverance.  Deliverance either through salvation or if they are a struggling Christian, pray for their strength to leave the gay lifestyle once and for all.   (See post on Can you be a Christian and a homosexual). Ask God also for the strength and wisdom to deal with the situation as God will turn your trial into triumph!  (Hebrews 11 entire chapter)
    Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, And He shall hear my voice.
    Psalm 55:17 – NKJV
  2. Don’t tackle this alone! Seek godly counsel and I mean GOD-ly counsel, counsel from Christians that you know do who do not water down God’s word and are wise as well as loving people.  Find Christian friends who will stand with you in prayer and support!
    BLESSED is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;  But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night.
    - Psalm 1:1-2 NKJV
  3. Let that family member know that you love them, but you stand with God’s word that says that homosexuality is a sin.  Give the scriptures so that they know it’s not of your personal opinion but as God says it is in both the Old and New Testaments. (Leviticus 18:22,  20:13;  1 Corinthians 6:9; Romans 1:26-27)
    For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature.
    Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. – Rom 1:26-27
  4. And always have hope that your family member will change. While hoping for the best, accept them where they are in their lives. That old saying to hate the sin and love the sinner still holds very true!
    (Love) . . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1Corinthians 13:7 NKJV
  5. Don’t take it personally and carry guilt for something you  believe you didn’t do right.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent so even if you did feel you made a few mistakes along the way – ask God to forgive you and forgive yourself then let it go!  Guilt will do nothing more than eat at your very soul if you allow it.
    If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1John 1:9 NKJV
  6. If that person professes to be gay but doesn’t profess to be a Christian, then associate with them as you normally would. If it’s a child, don’t throw them out in the streets but love them and let them know that no homosexual activity will be allowed in your home and they won’t be allowed to be associated with gay friends outside of school activities (if this can be helped).
  7. Professing Christians have to be handled differently. As with any sin, a person who professes to know Christ but persists in sin has to be handled with very tough love. “
    “I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked man from among you.” 1 Corinthians 5:9-13

    Persistent sin is serious among believers and if you know anyone who calls himself belonging to Christ and practices sin, then they must be disassociated (except for your dependent children). I would think twice about what I’m doing if family and friends chose not to have anything to do with me because of my practice of a particular sin.  This is different than a person knowingly struggling and is repentful and trying to change.

These are just a few suggestions and I know there are plenty others that many can share.  I know many non-believers and some professing Christians would criticize this article as ridiculous, believing that there shouldn’t be any issue in coping with a homosexual family member.  But if you truly love God’s word and hate sin as He does, then yes, coping with sinful lifestyles becomes something major in life to tackle!

Don’t lose hope people and all one has to do is to look at the many ex-homosexuals whose testimonies I have plastered all over my blog.  Some of you have been a little confused thinking that I am also an ex-gay. I’m not, but when many members of the LGBT community visited my blog during my activism for Prop 8 to ban gay marriages, I decided then to present information that it IS possible to change from being gay and that there is hope for friends and family members who want change for their loved ones.

Just remember, with Christ, ALL things are possible!

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” – Mark 9:23 NKJV

Updated 1/8/12

© 2011 – 2015, Carlotta Morrow. All rights reserved.


  1. Thank you for your kind comments. The anger and frustration is the worst part. Trusting Jesus to grow me in this area!

  2. It’s early in the AM, just saw pics on FB of my brother who disagrees with christianity kissing the face of my sisters partner announcing how much he appreciates her “taking care” of my sis. It’s a slap in the face as I work for my brother and this woman was invited to a gala for his business success and neither she nor my sister have anything to do with it. God has had everything to do with it. Admittedly, I’m feeling hurt and sour that they would go and not me, especially when I’m his right hand person in the job. This all sounds petty and part of it is, but it stings. He wants to make her feel welcome in his family to the point of praising her, inviting my neices and nephews and making a huge public display of the whole thing, knowing its crushing the hearts of my mom, myself and ky ither sister.
    Right now, I’m hurt, angry and know I have to take these things to Jesus. These emotions are so tough to work through. Our family is literally split in half over this. My stomach goes into knots over concern for my sister, who just 5 years ago, I was closer to than any other family member. My brother and his family never gave her the time of day until she came out. Now his wife’s sister, who is also gay, rallies around her and her partner and they have an entire support system that is taking them further away from God. I feel sick and twisted inside, because I can say that she gets more acceptance and “love” in this community than from the christian community when she was struggling to take care of 4 children on her own. Those of us who believe in Jesus, have very little, those who don’t and are being “supportive” of her lifestyle now have loads. She has a better life, gets accepted extra much just for being gay and coming out and has no early reason to leave that life. It’s all she thinks she ever wanted. I KNOW God is bigger than all of this, so we pray. However, tonight as I write this, the sting of defeat is present. I feel anger, hurt and frustration. I can’t offer a glitzy life, tons of friends and acceptance of her choice, large numbers of pats on the back and politically correct praise. I only have what God says is true. I have something more and it doesn’t sparkle to her because it’s a diamond in the rough. A life of spritually freedom and eternal life. The christian side of our family, we struggle financially, we look a mess comparatively, we don’t have it all together and live a charmed life. The side of my family who don’t follow Jesus, look like they are making the better choice because they have so much. Their lives are happy and they see us as maladjusted, unintelligent, backwoods type people. It’s painful, but I wouldn’t trade it for what they have. I tread the dark road of walking away from God and living a lifestyle of sin. It took me further and longer than I ever wanted. My Savior has healed my heart so I can feel again. So I can call on Him for deliverance and He hears me. The joy that resides with me is great in comparison to having it all together, tons of so called friends and this charmed life. So now I love my life at a “hater” because I believe Gods word. I believe Jesus is worth the cost. I’m misunderstood, rejected, hated and mocked. It doesn’t feel good. It cuts deep. It causes me to feel angry like tonight. But I counted the cost and Jesus is worth it. Lord, help me get past this hurdle of hurt and anger tonight. Help me to love my unbelieving siblings as you do. But also help me to love you more than I love them and not compromise your word and my faith.

    1. Tonia, my heart was hurting for you while reading your awesome description of what’s going on in your life right now. First I want to share with you words of encouragement: the Lord has your back! Remember what God has said about people hating you from within your own family:

      “You will be betrayed even by parents and brothers, relatives and friends; and they will put some of you to death. And you will be hated by all for My name’s sake. But not a hair of your head shall be lost. By your patience possess your souls.” Luke 21:16-19.

      For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’ He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. Matthew 10:35-37

      So as you can see, Jesus never promised us peace within our own families if we take a stand for Him. Standing upon biblical principles is what you have done Tonia and you are right to believe that “Jesus is worth the cost.” What a powerful statement you made! I am sure the angels were doing a dance as God voiced His approval of your actions the day you said that! You won’t find that in the bible exactly but just my honest opinion. :)

      Are you a member of a church? Do you have Christian friends that can support you as you go through this? I’ll be praying for you and will have other saints praying for you as well! You have much godly wisdom to understand what you are going through and why, which will only make you stronger as you continue maturing in the Lord. Thankfully God doesn’t judge us according to how much money we make, how politically correct we are or how functional we look instead of dysfunctional. You want a picture of dysfunction while having a heart towards God? Just read about King David and his family. Murderous son, incest, rape, adultery, multiple sex partners and you name it, King David’s family were the poster children of dysfunction. But God still says that he’s a man “after my own heart” Acts 13:22.

      So with that Tonia, don’t lose heart. Keep strong as you are and remember that your actions are very pleasing to our Lord. Pray for your family and continue being a great example of a true believer to them.

    2. Tonia, I think we all here are feeling the anguish you have expressed. I am lifting you up in prayer and know you are doing the same. The pressure is hard but His yolk is light. I try to remember that in those painfully overwhelming moments of feeling completely helpless. When I feel backed against the wall, the outsider that refuses to conform, I remember Our Lord, and sisters and brothers like you going through the same and what the outcome will be, and what a treasure that we have been afforded a promise as to the outcome of all this madness. Love you much!

  3. Carlotta, I thank you for your reply. It was difficult writing on here about my daily struggle as a follower of Christ dealing with homosexual tendencies but NOT acting on them.

    You ask what about me not bringing myself around my daughter? I’m not understanding why you would ask that. I am all she has. You saying I should not raise my child simply because of my struggle with sin? I believe that I am a perfect example of how to cope with sin while knowing how perfect Jesus unconditional love is for me AND for her. I’m trying to raise a daughter to know what true love is. I believe if we understand what Jesus stood for and what God’s intention in sending him down for us, then my daughter will grow to love like him and will find a godly man when it’s her time. Yes, I don’t want people like me around her to confuse her. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. I would never ever leave my daughters side because of this insignificant sin. GOD is bigger than it. He will heal it completely. I have faith that if I focus of Him and focus on my daughter, that the lord will bless me with a godly man who makes me feel more amazing than my tendencies think a woman would. Make sense? I pray it does. It’s late and I shouldn’t be up but my daughter has a stubborn cough and I had to attend to her. God bless!

    1. Thank you for your response Juliana but I think you misunderstood my question or perhaps I misunderstood your original statement which was:”I dont want to bring just anyone around her, especially females like me.” I totally agree that you ARE they type of female that not only a child should be around, but ANYONE be around. Why is that?

      You are a great example of an imperfect human being born again through the blood of Jesus Christ! Like any of us, you still struggle with sin but your life is to choose God’s righteousness over sin to practice. You are redeemed, not perfect but striving for perfection. Your daughter is in very good hands with a loving and spiritual mother such as yourself!

      I really love your testimony and it should give anyone hope and a living example of what it is to struggle with any sexual sin and how to conquer it. Surrounding yourself with those like yourself who acknowledge their struggle and choose God’s ways first, then your daughter will have even more healthy examples of how to live her life!

      Thank you again for sharing and forgive me for any confusions caused by my earlier response to you. I’m praying along with you that God will send a godly man to complete your family!

  4. Hi everyone. I’ve been reading g all your comments and questions and I have to say that I am learning so much. And with each reading, the urge to share my story grew. So here we go…

    I am a 33 year old woman who grew up with the Catholic upbringing. Never u derstood it, other than the fear of God. I took it as a respectful fear.

    When I was 6 years old, I was “played with” by my two older female cousins. They were 3 and 5 years older than i. After those incidents occurred, I grew up with a LOT of confusion and so much shame! Being part of a Catholic, traditional Latin family, I knew I couldn’t speak to anyone about this.

    I went with these punishing, torturing feelings of guilt and shame all my life because unfortunately the attraction for woman got more and more tough. Never a yes of it until I got to college. I experimented and the feeling of guilt and shame grew worse. Then I just couldn’t change, no matter how hard I tried. I feel in love with Christ after begging for Him to help me and change me. I still struggle with this everyday. I hate it about myself. I attend a wonderful, loving church. I am trying to surround myself with Godly persons. I am trying to everything right by the Lord.

    Here’s the ugly truth. I wanted to change so bad that I had a steady boyfriend (brought up as Christian) who I believed I loved with all my heart. Yes we had sexual relations out of marriages (first mistake). He broke up with me 2 weeks prior of my telling him I was pregnant. I then learned that he was an alcoholic and pot head. I cut him off and had my daughter on my own. It’s been now 4 yrs and he has not reached out or taken any responsibility for his child. Ever! My ex and his whole family are “Christians”. I at least took responsibility for my sin. But I know the Lord loves me no matter what because my daughter is so intelligent, funny, beautiful. …she’s a blessing! I am trying to be better everyday.

    What’s my point to this story? Everyone has their own journey in this life. Their own purpose. This life is a blessing. I do t judge because I am not Jesus nor perfect (clearly). Well who is? All I know is that I need to worry about my relationship with the Lord. My daughter. And nothing else. I am trying to be a good example to my daughter by raising her with God’s love. I don’t date anyone. 1. To focus on her 2. I dont want to bring just anyone around her, especially females like me. I dont believe that pushing your children away simply because of their struggle with sin (which is something we alllll struggle with. No son is greater than any other. An alcoholic is just as bad of a sin as a murderer. A homosexual is just as bad of a sinner as someone committing adultery. Sin is sin.). Jesús shows uncondtional to you. Why can’t you do that for your babys?

    I just pray all you focus of the Lord rather than pointing to finger so quick. Also, if you want to comment of my testimony and struggle that I AM choosing g to work on everyday, than go ahead, but I ask to be respectful and true Christians and reply with loving words, not condescendingly. Thanks.

    1. Juliana, you have surely been through many trials and tribulations! But I admire you for keeping your head up and acknowledging your wrongdoings while continuing in your faith to do what’s right for you and your child.

      I do have a question for you though. You said you don’t want to bring just anyone around your daughter, especially females like yourself. What do you mean by females like yourself? What about you?

      I totally agree with you that no one should push anyone away who is struggling with sin. We should turn our backs only on those who call themselves Christian and embrace their sin without any repentance. Those who refuse to acknowledge their sin and live in complete defiance of God’s will and commandments is when we lovingly exercise godly discipline. (1 Corinthians 5:9-13) And you are right, this goes for ANY sin, not just homosexuality.

      Sadly, we are living in the days when God’s commandments are ridiculed and spat upon by individuals, governments and businesses. Sin is embraced and legalized while holding on to our biblical beliefs is trampled upon. So far you seem to be of the fold that recognizes homosexuality as sin. But I would love to know where you stand with that in your life right now.

      Thank you for bravely sharing your struggles and victories on this blog!

    2. Hi Julianna, I’m always behind, but just saw your post. My heart is swelling with joy for you but I’m not the only one! I want to point out a scripture that a very old and dear dear friend of mine liked to refer to when he was feeling down about his past transgressions, maybe you have heard of him and if not, please consider his musical testimony for your listening pleasure = ) His name is Dennis Jernigan (I think he has his own website now), anyway his favorite scripture to describe how God feels about us; when you read it apply to yourself by thinking me instead of you where noted etc. My hope is you will realize just how cherished you really really are! It’s from Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord God in your midst, the Mighty One, will save! He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will REJOICE over you with singing” I feel in my heart that 3:14-15 is for you right now for strength as well. So much love and prayers for you, my sister in Christ! I do understand about the aftermath of being prematurely awakened to pleasures of the body that, under the natural umbrella of things would be otherwise normal but because of the way it happened originally, we find (at least I do) that even now in our adult life that the pleasure itself takes the blame for the sin not the rightful one it belongs to and unfairly devastates our pursuit of a normal relationship as God intended. I was a victim of multiple molestation while in foster care as a young girl and what makes me so angry is those bad people forced a human pleasure out of a child and then left her to face the consequences of their actions in the form of guilt and confusion. Keep looking up, I promise God’s love is there to help you re-align things and you are loved, even in the darkness, He loved you so much. I look forward to your continued testimony of healing. Take care!

  5. Hi Trish, Long time, no hear (haha)! My daughter is turning 30 in June. Since you and I have last spoke I have seen my daughter once when she came to town for a festival. She brought her girl friend over with no warning, I came home from work and there they were hanging out on my couch with my mother. Is was awkward, very awkward. We have seen each other since she went back to Texas and only speak maybe once a month. I’m still praying, seeking the Word and weigh my words carefully = D

    1. Hi Tracy,

      I haven’t seen my daughter in a year and a half. She seems to have no interest in coming back to Texas to visit. I have put forth so much effort in trying to have a relationship with her, texting and calling. Mostly she doesn’t respond. When she does, she will tell me we can talk on the phone then it rarely happens. I pray for that girl every day. I have reached out to her partner with some success. But for some reason, my daughter chooses not to have much contact with me. No contact means no relationship in my book. If you get to speak to her monthly that is something. I am the one that seems to do all the contacting and frankly I am simply tired of trying so hard! Keep me in your prayers please as everyone else on this feed. Keep looking up!

  6. My brother in law just let us know in December that he is gay and has been meet men from sites online. I want to be the voice of reason in the family so he knows he can talk to us but he doesn’t understand why we don’t want to meet his significant other or why my husband and I feel awkward talking about his relationships. We know that we are not to judge and he is loved by us and God which we try to explain when he tells us we are Christian so we are just judging him and don’t understand. We have only known for a few months and since we live several states away only deal with him every now and then. My in laws are having a hard time dealing with it and so is my husband and I . We have children and are not sure we want him around them alone. Is that wrong? As I said we love him but I am having a hard time with my feelings of how to accept all of this. We have known people who are gay and until now we just avoided the whole issue. We don’t want to lose him but how do we keep him with out being hypocritical?

    1. Sad Sister, I can relate to you and your family. I do believe how you and your family handle this now is very important. I would not beat him over the head with the bible. If you can simply show love to him and be as reasonable as possible would be a great place to start. If you slam him with all that is wrong about this, it will alienate him. But you don’t want to approve of this or appear judgmental. The bible says to love God and love others. That is where I
      would start. I would not want to leave your kids around him either, I get that. Take your time with this, there is no rush to figure it all out. Pray and seek the Lord’s guidance on this. Be careful with your words so you don’t have to apologize for saying the wrong thing. I have a 30 year old daughter that is lesbian and I have known about it now for 6 years. I still have constant heartbreak over it. It never goes away but I put her in the Lord’s hands daily. He knows what is best for her, not me! He has a plan and a purpose for all of this. There are some good books out there on this topic written by Joe Dallas. The good news is you are not close by him geographically. I imagine it would be far more challenging if you were there. I am planning a trip to see my daughter and her partner in April of this year. I want to see my daughter and I feel as if I am called to extend graciousness and love to her partner. She is created by God also. I maybe the only Christian person she may meet. She isn’t Christian and neither are her parents. I will pray for you and I hope you will pray for me and everyone else on this feed. Thank you.

    2. Speaking from Scripture, you ARE loving your brother-in-law by applying a righteous judgment to his behavior choices. Yes, we are to judge and we are called of Jesus to judge by a non-hypocritical judgment. This does NOT mean we can’t judge blatant sin choices just because we aren’t perfect ourselves. One of the HUGE false teachings in the church is this “judge not” error. Look at Matt. 7:1-5 to get a more complete view of what Jesus is telling us. I certainly would NOT allow any homosexual to be alone with children, especially family members. Not only would they have evil opportunity in a physical sense but there are also evil spirits associated with this sin choice that you should not allow into your house and around your kids. This link will help you to better understand the need to apply righteous judgment.

  7. This site is very insightful as recently my daughter who was raised in a Christian home. Revealed to me that she will know longer fight lesbian desire. I am really heartbroken about her decision. I began to blame myself and I spoke out I hate the devil. She wondered why I said that? I repeated again I hate the devil she proceded to want to leave my hone. But 28th Gods help I avoided her leaving on the wrong. And possibly not coming around the family my daughter father my ex abandoned the family when she was 7 years old and hasn’t been since. My daughter first and only boyfriend broke her heart and she hasn’t been the same since. She use to dress girly girl and cared about her appearance. That all changed when she tured 17. Trying not to take it personal and not make it about me has been very hard. But it’s not about it’s about Jesus and putting Him first and for most. Please pray for me as I pray for you

    1. Lady King, thank you for sharing your heartache regarding your daughter. You have shown that you have much wisdom in putting Christ first in your life and yes, I and others will be praying for you and your daughter both. She seems to be acting out on her disappointment and heartaches in her life so praying for her to know our Lord intimately. Be sure to read the other comments on this page from others who are dealing with the same heartaches as yourself and you will find you aren’t alone!

  8. I have a gay daughter who has a gf and brings her to the house. The gf is very affectionate and I have a hard time with them holding hands and hugging. She comes over because it’s convenient and she works close by. I feel awkward when they do this. I express to my daughter that they control themselves when they are here. It’s only a few hours. We have a strained relationship because we do not stand on the same side. I would prefer that they don’t come over since it is awkward and she tells me she can’t be herself when they are both over. I don’t want our place to be the source of fostering their relationship, so how do I show Christ-like love to a behavior I don’t seem Christ-like?

    1. Susan, the first thing you would have to do is make your boundaries loud and clear. Since this is a situation that hasn’t been really a part of your normal house rules, then you have to make them up along the way. Since it is very awkward for this type of affection to be shown in a relationship you don’t approve of, set the rules of your house that there will be no affection shown. If your daughter fails to comply, then in the most Christ-like way you know, inform your daughter that she won’t be allowed to bring her friend over, or for her to come over for that matter. She may be an adult, but it’s still your house and you have the right to ask of anyone who dwells there what to expect. Yes, this would probably further strain relations with your daughter but Christ reminded us that problems would exist within our household for choosing Him before anyone.

      “34 “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. 35 For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; 36 and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’ Matthew 10:34-36

      Jesus goes on to say:

      “37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 10:37-39

      If we worry more about how are children would respond to us rather then pleasing the Lord first, then we are essentially placing them before God. I’ve been guilty of doing that because as a mother (of five) I cherish my relationships with my children. But I have to draw the line especially when they choose a life contrary to God’s will for them. It’s not easy, but the peace of mind you have knowing that you are doing the right thing and it’s pleasing to God is just priceless!

      1. Susan,

        Please tell your daughter how much you love her and make sure she knows that you care for her happiness and well-being regardless of her sexuality. As a lesbian, I have been lead to suicidal thoughts and actions because of intolerant parents. I urge you to remind your her that your love is unconditional if you want to maintain any sort of relationship with your daughter.

        1. As a Christian pastor and the parent of a girl who chose to become a lesbian, I choose to obey Scripture over my “feelings”. Scripture is very clear that homosexuality is a sinful lifestyle choice and only Jesus can set the homosexual free of it. Therefore, I must love my daughter but hate her sin choice. This means that her mother and I must have certain boundaries with her that FIRST honors our Lord. One of those boundaries is that we will not allow our lesbian daughter to bring her latest “partner” into our home, nor do we say or do anything that enables her bad behaviors. Yes, she greatly resents this necessary action on our part and gravitates toward other family members who are her co-dependents and enablers. Homosexuals are desperate for validations and seek to divide families. Your problem is blame shifting your sin choice onto your parents to the point where you see THEM as the enemy and yourself as the victim. That is part of the devil’s deception that you have fallen for ….. you are really your OWN victim because your sin choice has opened you up to depression, anxieties, and all the other fruits of the homosexual choice. Your parents are under no obligation to accept the unacceptable in your choices. Your parents haven’t “caused” you to be suicidal. They ARE loving you by speaking the Truth in love. If you will come to Jesus on His terms, He will meet you where you are and save you. He will set you free from your sinful lifestyle. Jesus will heal your emotional wounds. Jesus alone can meet your needs ….. not your hurting parents or your current “partner”.

      2. This is sound Godly advice. I too am facing this with my 16 yr old daughter. I honestly believe that God had to get me to the point that I could honestly say. “Lord no matter what happens with my child, you are first in my heart and life and I stand by your word which will stand for eternity” There is truly peace once you are able to come to this point.

        1. T.N., it is heartbreaking to read of your daughter’s poor decision. You are quite right that your relationship with Jesus must take precedence over what your daughter will FEEL is “her needs”. Your love for her must go over and beyond “her needs” because she will desperately be seeking validation for her sin choice. I urge you to stand firm in your convictions against her chosen sin. That is the clear voice of the Holy Spirit within you. If she is truly saved, then that deposit of the same Spirit in her is screaming at her that she is out of her Creator’s order. You might take a look at Romans 1 as it describes one’s descent into this horrible lifestyle choice. You will see a progression of bad choices that led her deeper and deeper into the deception. This passage will help you find some answers to your questions. It was a great help to my wife and I as we faced our own daughter’s decision for lesbianism. You will need to begin to have some firm boundaries with her. Trust the Lord to show you what these boundaries must be ….. and then it is imperative that you hold to them 100% at all times. Homosexuals probe for ANY relaxing of boundaries as they seek validation for their sin choice. It is the exact same behavior we see from addicts. Be prepared for her to rebel against these boundaries and any other resistances you show toward her choice of behaviors. Jesus is with you in this battle and so are we!

  9. Dee, I appreciate you’re candor and humility, thank you! I am convinced that everything passes through God’s hands before it comes to us. So my daughter and her lifestyle is in my life for me to learn something for sure. My daughter knows I will never agree with her lifestyle. We have simply come to agree to disagree. My daughter chooses to not be that close to me, but it doesn’t seem to be a strong need or desire for her as of yet, I have accepted that but will never stop trying to show her love and fight for that mother daughter bond I want and did not have with my own mother. This is a tough road for all of us. But the one thing that keeps me going is God has got this and I am only responsible for my actions, words, and behaviors! Keep the prayers going!

  10. As a pastor with a lesbian daughter, I know how emotional this issue is and how each of us handle it the best way we can. What I am seeing here in those who post emotional responses is just that ….. emotional responses but very little or no Scripture. Our emotions will lead us astray. So will “matters of the heart” and how we respond to situations through our feelings. The heart is desperately wicked and who can know it? Only Jesus knows what is in our heart. Most often what is in our heart is diametrically opposed to Scripture. Why? Because the “heart” is located in our soulish realm ……. meaning the mind, will, and emotions. Christians are held to a higher standard. It is what is in a person’s spirit that will be manifested through the soulish realm and eventually through the flesh if not conformed to the Word. Look at passages about the mind such as Romans 12:1-2. We aren’t to be conformed to the world. We certainly shouldn’t be guided by our “heart” or our emotions. Emotions are fickle and too prone to change. The Word of God is steadfast and unchangeable. My wife and I know hard it is to address this issue through Scripture. Many in our family don’t understand and we are seen as the “harsh and legalistic ones”. It was our daughter who rejected us. She chose to abandon her family and chose a sinful lifestyle of lesbianism. She isn’t a victim. She has created victims. All homosexuals create victims through their choices. We need to quite seeing our homosexual loved ones as victims. That isn’t compassion. That is co-dependency and enabling of bad behaviors. Biblical mercy comes through Biblical repentance. Repentance means an acknowledgment of sin and a complete turn away from it. Don’t allow your “heart” to be manipulated through mere remorse. What I am seeing here is some folks being controlled and manipulated by their homosexual loved one. The acceptance of that bad behavior will never lead to healing and deliverance. The Bible does show us how to handle this situation. It is painful, yes. Too many families are unwilling to go there. Why? Because they trust their “heart” more than Jesus. This is a recipe for disaster, folks. We cannot presume upon God to bless our efforts when they run contrary to His Word. Remember the story of Naaman? Good intentions and “good heartedness” won’t cut it. It is possible to love someone in such a worldly fashion that we “love” them straight into hell.

    1. Tough but true words Sir = ) We all knew our life long spiritual training and learning how to use our armor was all for a huge purpose but I don’t think in a million years did we think it would be for this. It’s a low blow to say the least.

    2. Sir, I was faced with rejection by my first daughter when she knew I did not embrace her marriage with a woman (12 years now), but keep loving and praying for her. I remind myself how deeply she must have hurt to decide to reject me. You are right on — we cannot be co-dependent. She knows the Truth, raised with God’s Word engraved in her heart which is promised not to return void. I’ll never let her go….she belongs to God. I had to make sacrifices to raise her on my own, but have the peace of knowing she understood baptism by immersion, salvation and eternal life in Christ. God tells us the conscience can be seared.
      I have so many of my own faults, known only to God, but if a Christian confronted me with the necessity to repent of something, I would and I have. Godly sorrow worketh repentance.
      She seems happy in her life, but will not communicated, except when I was in the hospital.
      She was vulnerable, Praise God for His delivering power and our ability to love in the face of the sting of rejection by someone so beloved and cared for. For the parent rejected over homosexuality, Jesus reminds us enemies of the cross are usually from our own household.
      I believe she will come back to God – more important than my missing her.

    3. It is YOU who abandoned your daughter. Mark my words: someday, you will regret your decision to deny your daughter love and support.

      1. Mallory, she isn’t “abandoning” her daughter by calling her lesbianism what it is ….. a sinful lifestyle choice. You are lashing out on this site due to your perceived “rejection” by your own parents. You are deceived. The devil wants to destroy you, Mallory. You are the one who will live (and then die) to regret your decision to reject Christ. Jesus offers you HIS love and support. But you must come to Jesus on His terms and that means acknowledging your sin before Him and accepting His Lordship in your life. You will not regret coming to Jesus, Mallory. You certainly WILL regret the day that you stand before Jesus while still living in your sinful lifestyle. Come to Jesus before it’s too late!

      2. Hi Mallory, I was just curious as to what you were looking for when you found this site as most of the folks here had a similar situation that drew them here, I am very interested to know what yours is..and hope you got to see your family for the holidays = )

  11. Dee, I truly appreciate and accept your response. I won’t delete your post primarily to keep it as an example of how not to respond to a posting and a reminder to those of us who will sometimes forget our manners (myself included).

  12. I have a sister who is bi-sexual. She was married to a man for a long time and had two awesome children. (Her husband died two years ago.) Her son is almost 13 and her daughter is 5 years old. She is in a relationship with a woman and I am heartsick over this. I feel nothing but contempt for the woman she is with. I loath her to be honest. I am mad and heart broke both. I want to scream and yell at my sister but what would that resolve? Nothing. I feel so helpless and I hate it.

    1. Heartbroken Sister, those of us who have LGBT family members do feel your pain! Our first reactions are usually just what you have expressed: disgust, anger, bewilderment and major heartbreak! Hopefully you have a chance to read over my blog post and especially the comments and responses from others who have also experienced what you are going through. But a question to you first as the answer will determine how you should go about dealing with your sister. Does she profess to be a Christian and if so does she attend church? Thanks for stopping by and sharing your pain with us!

    2. I did not say anything about my sister’s sin so back off with your rude comment. I was being honest with my feelings. I am trying to deal with how I feel and I don’t need you to be down on my case about something I trying to deal with it. I came here for help.

    3. I think that we can all agree that sin should be loathed and rejected regardless. It is not unusual to project those feelings on to the sinner either, because we are only human. The tough part is learning how to separate the two which is what broken sister is struggling with according to her post. Hating or loathing an individual is sin; love the sinner, hate the sin. The difficulty is converting the anger into love without straying from God’s precepts and giving into worldly pressures to conform. I truly do not believe that she is placing her sister’s sin above her own, that is not what she is saying. Broken sister is hurting and needs our prayers not our condemnation. I think you are off target Dee and missed the purpose of Broken sister’s post.

      1. From looking at Dee’s comments over a several month period, it appears to me that she is confused about the false teaching of “Judge Not!!!” that homosexual co-dependents use to avoid confronting the sin choice. I am a pastor with a lesbian daughter. Her mother and I have encountered this enabling behavior in some of our family members. The Bible’s teaching on this matter, in context, shows us that we ARE called upon to judge sinful behaviors. What we cannot do is judge hypocritically or without a “right” judgment. Look at passages such as John 7:24, Matt. 7:1-5, and I Cor. 5. In other words, if we are ourselves engaged in sexual sin, we may not judge another walking in that same sin. We must also judge according to what the Bible calls sin, not our opinions or feelings. The Bible clearly denounces the homosexual lifestyle choice. Since that is established through the whole of Scripture, then we as believers HAVE the obligation (and even the command) to judge that sin and the sinner. Broken Sister is hurting very deeply over her sister’s sinful choice. She also needs to have some clear boundaries over what is or is not proper behavior in HER house. Homosexuals live to impose their bad behaviors on others. They desperately seek to impose their will in order to be seen as “normal”. Broken Sister is very wise to see that manipulation in her sister and her partner. I would urge this precious woman to control what happens in HER house and be consistent with it. I see it as a healthy boundary to insist on NO PDA’s from her lesbian sister and her partner.

      1. Mallory, it is YOU who needs to mend your relationship with your Creator. God did not create you to become a lesbian. That was your choice and now you are experiencing the consequences. We are all products of our own choices. Homosexuality is a sin unto death …… physically, emotionally and more importantly, spiritually. Your sin choice is separating you from Jesus. He longs to come into your life and heal you, Mallory.

  13. Whenever I start feeling weak over this subject I go back to Matthew 10:21-22 and 10:33-36, both are pretty harsh but realistic to what we parents are all going through. If we think we are tough, our Father is tougher and in the end the Truth will set us all free. Bless all of you!!!

  14. I myself was afflicted with homosexuality. I have come to find God and I have kept away from any and all things that are homosexual, anything to do with it. God is delivering me and while I still have thoughts I dislike, I always pray to God to help me overcome and he does. More and more everyday I am becoming stronger. I used to believe that I was just born that way but now I realize that it isn’t true, just like any struggle in our life given to us by satan, we must overcome if we want to follow Christ. ; I have a gay brother and he’s atheist, even though he used to believe in God. I don’t know what to do about him and with him not believing in God in the first place, I don’t know how to go about it. He and his fiancee are getting married in November and I know I’m already invited. How do I go about it? I really don’t want to lose my brothership with him and if I do I will lose my relationship with every single member of my family, which I know is a huge price to pay and I know God will help me through it I just don’t know what to do. I know what it’s like to be afflicted with it and know it is a struggle. If anyone has advice for me it would be very helpful. I was saved about two months, give or take a few days, ago and I don’t know a lot about the bible but I do know that one can overcome anything through the blood of Christ.

    1. Hi Kerry and what a miracle you are! What you are facing as to whether you should attend your brother’s wedding is a tough one and I know what you are going through as my daughter and her girl friend are getting to that point as well and I am heavy- hearted about it.We can be happy someone we love is happy without being happy about the reason they are happy (I suppose) without compromising our beliefs but eventually the confrontation will come but doesn’t have to be as bad as we imagine as long as God’s love is the foundation of all we say and do. Right now is your time of growing and discovering, try not to let your brother’s personal choice dampen your joy. A lot can change from now until the event in question and that we are not in charge (Thank God!). In the mean time I rejoice in your new birth and wish you many blessings on the way!

    2. Kerry, first I commend you for your victory in overcoming homosexuality! Yes, you will still have your struggles with it but at least you are in a place where you have surrendered all to Christ and are allowing God to change you! Glad you recognize that you weren’t born that way, but it was just a part of your sin nature, a nature that we all have to deal with on a daily basis.

      Now about your brother’s marriage. If he’s marrying a woman, that marriage will still be honorable to God no matter if he’s gay or atheist or both as in his case and I personally would go. Now if he’s marrying a man, there’s no way I would in my consciousness towards God would want to go celebrate a union that makes mockery of what God has established for true marriage. I would take a stand and not go. You may feel very strongly in not going to his marriage for several reasons: does his wife-to-be know that he’s gay if his wife is a woman? Is he making mockery of his marriage to a woman by carrying on with an open marriage and maintaining sexual relationships with other men while married? A bunch of those factors would lead me to not attend a man/woman marriage as well. Anything that makes mockery of what is to be a sacred union between one man and one woman should be scorned. These are just a few scenarios of what I would be led by our Lord to do, but those decisions are ultimately between you and the Lord.

      Sorry for all the differing scenarios. You said your gay brother is marrying his fiancee so I wasn’t sure if you meant a man or a woman or transgender he’s marrying. I know if you don’t go to his wedding you would be hated by your family/friends and etc. But if you are doing so because of your consciousness towards God and by conviction of the Holy Spirit, your love for God will outweigh your love for your brother. Hopefully your brother knows you love him and there are other ways that you can show him your love for him instead of participating in his wedding if you chose to go that route.

      Tough decisions but decisions made between you and our Lord. Just hope this has helped a little.

    3. Kerry, welcome to the fellowship of the believers! Your testimony is exciting. As parents of a lesbian daughter, if she ever takes the step of marriage to another woman, we’ll not be attending the wedding. To do so indicates acceptance. God’s view of marriage is one man and one woman. Those attending any wedding are among the cloud of witnesses gathered to offer their support and approval. I agree with Carlotta’s take on the matter. Yes, your family will be angry and you will suffer rejection. This is the cost we pay as we stand firm on Jesus’s commands. Jesus said that if we love Him we will follow His commands. The Lord will honor you for taking a stand, Kerry. This will also help you grow in your faith. You are in our prayers and may Jesus richly bless you.

      1. Craig: I did not attend my daughter’s ceremony with a woman, but every close family member
        did attend, even her paternal grandparents. I was the cheese that stood alone. We are not men/woman pleasers, but faithful to God’s laws and covenant with saved believers in Christ.

    4. Kerry,

      You are an amazing human being! I am so proud of you! I am so encouraged to hear that you have turned away from that lifestyle and have a relationship with our Lord. I would suggest you read the book of John first. Find a good bible based church and look for a mentor or someone to disciple you. You need other Christians to be around you and help you learn and keep you encouraged. I know Satan will be coming after you to try to get you to participate in any sin he can. He is relentless. About your brother, first and foremost pray for him! It is not up to you to convert him that is the job of the Holy Spirit. But you can plant seeds, you can be the example to him. Most people don’t like preaching in their face especially if they are in the midst of a sin, but you can always speak of what God is doing in your life. You can always state your beliefs. You most likely will be met with resistance but let the Holy Spirit lead you in how you speak to him or anyone else. Pray that the Lord will give you the words and the nudging as to when the time is right for you to say anything. My best advice is pray about this situation and find a group of strong Godly men to encourage you and take you under their wings. Of course you have this blog to run to and ask advice. Again, I am so proud of you for taking a stand for Jesus. Have a blessed day!

  15. Hi Trish
    I just wanted to say I did not cut my daughter out of my life and I talk to her about as much as you talk to your daughter the fact is because I wouldn’t shut up and pretend that my beliefs didn’t mean anything she’s all but cut. me off so I think that’s just as difficult and I feel for you and7 I feel for all of us going tbrough. the small talk that I do manage to have with my daughter is difficult in itself because it feels so faulse like we’re just beating around this big huge bush you know what I. mean? Lets continue to lift each other up in prayer, I love you Trish!!

    1. Thank you Tracy! I love you too! It is so challenging to even communicate with my daughter. Sometimes she responds to me and sometimes not. But that is okay I know I am doing my part. I will keep the prayers going for you and for all of us! Thank you Jesus!

  16. Okay I must be confused here. I need it given to me straight and direct! Are you saying not to associate with my daughter? I have put down boundaries when I do see her she lives out of state. I do not want to see any affection between her and her partner. Nor do I stay overnight with them because they sleep in the same bed. Please clarify for me. Thank you!

    1. Trish, your daughter if professing to be a Christian and is practicing any sin unrepentantly, then yes the cold shoulder would be quite appropriate. It’s very hard to do but the message would be loud and clear: practicing of habitual unrepentant sin is disdained by our heavenly Father.

      The following are the scriptures that Tracy referred to earlier about the division of putting Christ first will do to families:

      34 “Do not think that I came to bring peace on earth. I did not come to bring peace but a sword. 35 For I have come to ‘set a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, and a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law’; 36 and ‘a man’s enemies will be those of his own household.’ 37 He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. 38 And he who does not take his cross and follow after Me is not worthy of Me. 39 He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it.” Matthew 10:34-39

      Your setting boundaries is honorable, but Christ wants us to take it a step further when confronting unrepentant fellow Christians, and even when those Christians are members of our immediate family. Hypocrisy is one of the worse stamps a Christian can be labeled and that is what your daughter is practicing. A double lifestyle by claiming to know Christ while living in what the scripture calls an abomination.

      She will find plenty of company if she continues in her present lifestyle because of the large numbers of Christians who accept homosexuality. There are even churches that would welcome her and her partner but for the family to send a message that churches and other Christians should be also sending, will also make the message clear and prayerfully, the Holy Spirit will convict your daughter of her sin.

      So that’s it in a nutshell but if you do follow through and do a complete cutoff, be prepared to be hated as Christ has already warned us would happen if we choose to obey Him rather than man.

      1. Politically correct or not, Jesus will expose to the light, evil; no matter what form it comes in or who It tries to use and no matter who’s face It tries to hide behind, God’s presence will expose it. We MUST have faith that His will be done and that we be given the strength to endure what lies ahead with grace and quiet lucidity. I pray this for myself in my weakest moments and wanted impart it to each of you. Love and grace to you all here and thank you for opening your hearts to me when I had no where to turn.

      2. Thank you for your concern for me. I wanted to be sure I understood your beliefs before I said something. I was where some of you were with my daughter. I did cut her out of my life for at least three years. I have prayed and prayed over this. I was overcome by the Holy Spirit to reach out to my daughter in love, mercy and grace. That was just about two years ago. I will ask you this question to think upon, how can you have a relationship with your child without contact? No contact equals no relationship in my book. You may be the only Christian in your child’s life. This maybe the chance to plant seeds in your child’s partner’s life, you have no idea how God can and will use you in these situations. Have you ever thought about God has us here to teach us something?

        I have had Pastors tell me whatever you do, do not cut your child out of your life. I personally have been on the receiving end of a parent cutting me out of their life. I can’t even begin to tell you how painful that is. I will never do that no matter what based on my personal experiences with this. I will love my child and she will always know it. She also knows I do not agree she is choosing God’s best for her life. I have set boundaries with her and her partner and I may see them once a year. I text her and tell her I love her, I am thinking of her, and I pray for her. I ask her about her partner and how she is doing. It is all superficial stuff, unfortunately. But she does not feel comfortable telling me more because she knows I do not agree. At least I know I am doing my part. All I know is this: no contact means no relationship. I am sure this will prompt some of you to disagree with me and I used to think exactly like some of you. But I have had a heart change and I believe it is from the Holy Spirit. This is a tough battle for all of us. Thank you.

        1. Trish, what happened to you is that you wore down from the no contact boundary. Three years is really nothing in the grand scheme of things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen discouraged Christians give in just before the Lord may have acted on their behalf. Time is precious, yes. But we have to remember that time is in the Lord’s hands and He sees the big picture …… while we can only see the day to day struggle and cannot comprehend what is going on in the heavenlies. This struggle against the homosexual lifestyle choice didn’t just “start” one day out of the blue. It came about due to bad choices over long periods of time. The homosexual is not born. The homosexual is made. I very much understand the pressure of not seeing or even hearing from your daughter. I’m sure the Prodigal’s dad was grieved every day that he heard no news from his son. This is extreme spiritual warfare and it is never won in one day or even 3 years. You have to ask yourself this question, Trish. What difference am I seeing in my daughter by chasing after her? I have to believe the Prodigal’s father ask himself this same thing. My wife and I ponder the different ways of approaching our daughter. This is much harder for my wife because she is a “mercy” personality. So is most of our family. The rejection and silence from our daughter is excruciating to us all. She knows this and uses her silence as a means of manipulation. The habits of the homosexual are learned behaviors, Trish. Homosexuals are addicts in their own right. They share many kindred spirits. Homosexuality is known as a besetting sin. This means that it is a particular sin choice that is so consuming that it defines who they are as a person. You will see the Apostle Paul made it very clear in I Cor. 6:18-20 that sexual sins are atypical from other sins. Why? He goes on to say that sexual self-abuse involves a believer’s physical body that is being indwelt by the Holy Spirit. Homosexuality is at the forefront of these sexual sins because it involves a physical, emotional, and spiritual coupling of two or more people of the same sex that is abomination. Romans 1 shows us the progression of bad behaviors that lead to this abomination. Trish, are you willing to accept a relationship with your daughter that involves compromise? Because you are the one compromising while your daughter sacrifices …… nothing. There is no commitment on her part. None. She and her peers wear you down along with some well meaning but unwise counsel you have received. There are lessons we can learn from the Prodigal. One of the main ones is the fact that the father adopted a “hands off” attitude toward his son. He didn’t chase after him. He didn’t send him provisions. He went about his life normally. He stayed the course. I’m sure the dad watched, waited, and prayed. He allowed God to be God. This was a greater showing of mercy than it would have been had he wasted his time chasing after a wayward son who didn’t want to be caught.

        2. Sounds like your granddaughter was being disciplined by her church which is completely biblical.

          “15 “If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. 16 But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ 17 If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Matthew 18:15-20

          No discipline is ever fun to go through Dee. A parent who disciplines their child is hated by the child for that moment but it usually passes. The same with church discipline. It’s all for the purpose of correction of the believer which is one of the purposes of our bible:

          16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, 17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Tim 3:16-17

          So if your granddaughter is divorcing her husband to get with someone else, lesbian or not, she is committing adultery and the church is right in disciplining her. Her mother is also doing the right thing and I can assure you it is just as painful for her as it is for her daughter! We don’t have to guess whether God approves of this or not because the bible is quite clear on church discipline. But if she ends up surrendering herself to Christ, your granddaughter will be welcomed with open arms by both her mother, church and most of all our Lord Himself Jesus Christ! Our Lord loves her even while she’s going through this trial rest assured!

        3. Thank you Dee. I am now of the opinion that what my daughter does is her responsibility and not mine. I pray for her daily. I pray for her non believing partner and her non believing parents. I am of the belief system that I am to love God and love others period. I have talked to my daughter about this most recently she said she has a wall up against me because I do not agree with her lifestyle. That is her deal not mine. I will continue to reach out to her in love. I have set boundaries with her and her partner, no sharing a room in my house, I stay in a hotel when I go to see them. No open physical affection between them. She is honoring that for me and for that I am appreciative. I know other folks may not agree with me on this but it is my relationship and I am the one that has to answer to our Lord one day. I have been on the receiving end of being cold shouldered by a parent and it is brutal. I will never do that to my child no matter what she does. I don’t approve but she is a grown woman and does not need my approval. Again, I am commanded to love God and others and that is what I choose to do. Have a blessed day. And know that I am praying for you. Remember you may be the only Jesus a person see’s is through you and your actions.

        4. Dee, it is ok to disagree but for somebody who doesn’t like to judge, you passed a few judgements yourself. You referred to members in this discussion as mostly “not sane” and arrogant. And your comment to Heartbroken Sister can be viewed as a personal attack. Sorry I didn’t carefully review your message before posting it (in hospital recovering from gall bladder surgery). Those kind of comments violate my comment policy. (See about Christocentric Press and number 7 under comment policy.) Just a warning but feel free to continue posting if you adhere to the policy otherwise you will be banned from this blog.

        5. Dee, as a pastor, I have been involved in a number of family interventions. Some of those was over a child choosing the homosexual lifestyle. My wife and I performed an intervention with our daughter when she chose to abandon the home and move in with her lesbian partner. We brought in another trusted pastor and his wife. This female our daughter left us for was twice her age and old enough to be her mother. The whole scenario was disgusting. It was satanic. Dee, this is spiritual warfare. Those that don’t grasp that fact are left alone with their emotions and worldly knowledge. This is a spiritual matter and should be handled in a spiritual way. In an intervention, it is imperative that co-dependents/enablers be removed from the process. Many times this is a grandparent and more often than not a grandmother. In your case, you haven’t shared enough information for a more complete reply. It does sound like your granddaughter is being disciplined by the church and her parents in a way designed through the Word. That’s the way I see it according to what you have shared. I would urge you to first of all search your own spirit (not your heart) and ask Jesus if there is anything in there not pleasing to him. You do come across as an enabler. Your heart means well but the heart is an aspect of the soulish realm …… mind, will, and emotions. We cannot trust what is in our heart, Dee. The “heart” will lead us stray more often than not. What we CAN do is trust Jesus to abide by His Word. Yes, this takes time and very often not within our time frame. We have to have faith that Jesus will honor His Word as we do the right thing. I know how painful this thing is …… and it is especially hard for a mother or grandmother to set aside their motherly instincts and trust the Lord in such a matter. You CAN do this according to Phil. 4:13. But you must be willing to set aside your methods and be obedient to Scripture. Some families refuse to let the Word overrule their emotions. I get it. This is an emotional time. But I also know that Jesus has an uncanny way of honoring His Word as we trust Him. Dee, the Word will never return void.

    2. Trish, we also have a daughter who chose the lesbian lifestyle. She is in her mid 20’s now and started this slippery slope into darkness in her late teens. Her choosing to attend a secular college while being very spiritually immature was the second worst decision she made. The humanistic teachings in this college promoted the homosexual agenda and she fell for it totally. Her first partner was with a female nearly 40 (our daughter was 19) and, to no surprise, that godless relationship turned abusive. She finally left (we prayed them apart, actually) and is now shacking up with a female her own age.

      I know Carlotta’s approach is seen as mean spirited and harsh by many. It is the same approach we have taken, because we choose to not compromise the Word just to make our loved one “feel better”. We use the tough love approach, too. Yes, some in our family aren’t on the same page with it. Our daughter has an uncanny ability to paint herself as a victim. Those who don’t know her tactics and character like her mom and I are easily taken in by her so-called “victimization”. I have ministered to homosexuals in different ministries for many years, so I wasn’t blindsided by her tactics. Homosexuals are very similar to addicts and there are kindred spirits there.

      Anyway, we are holding the fort and holding her to healthy boundaries. One of those is that she is not permitted to bring her current partner into our home. This is especially important when we have other family and grandkids here. It’s just not gonna happen! This led her to stay away from our family Christmas this past year and we haven’t seen her since July 2013. She invited only her mom to her graduation last Fall but made it clear I wasn’t welcome. My wife trusted Jesus and values our marriage above co-dependency toward her daughter. Mom refused to go unless I was invited. We missed her graduation. Trust me, these boundaries don’t sit well with some of our family. The only exception we would have to this boundary is IF the occasion rises where she and her partner are repentant and request help. Then and only then will she and her partner both be allowed to come into our home.

      Another boundary we have is that we will mail our daughter NO items she could possibly share with her partner. Absolutely no money, gift cards, or anything else she might share. We send her a Christmas package with personal items that only she can reasonably use for herself. We assure her of our love continuously.

      I would suggest you read I Cor. 5-6 thoroughly and then simply commit the issue to Jesus. Trust Him to fulfill the Word, Trish. We know how painful this is ….. but your daughter is holding your family hostage through emotional manipulation and control. You have to break that cycle. You have to be willing to let go of the apron strings and trust Jesus with her. Jesus has an uncanny ability to honor His word when we humble ourselves and submit to it. If our daughter comes to Jesus on HIS terms, she will be delivered and set free. We hinder the repentance process when we trust in our emotions and refuse to exercise faith in the Word. You are doing your daughter no favors by enabling her bad behaviors. I’m sharing this with you out of a grieving heart. I know this has been a long post. Please prayerfully consider what I have shared, Trish. Your approach simply isn’t working nor can it. It runs counter to what the Bible teaches. May the Lord guide you!

    3. Trish, I might also add that it would be helpful to study closely the story of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15. This really helped us find comfort at the beginning of this nightmare over 5 years ago. What did the father do vs. what he did not do in letting his son go? You will find it very telling that what daddy did NOT do was every bit as important as what he DID do. I’m also a pastor and I have shared this important message with the church. Most families have prodigals. I was once a prodigal. Homosexuals claiming to be believers have the prodigal spirit. They are running from Jesus. They will eventually come to face the reality that they can run from the Holy Spirit but they can never hide from Him. I wish to God I could offer you a 100% guarantee that your daughter will come back to her senses and seek to remove herself from the spiritual pigpen. I cannot guarantee that. Mom and I realize that we may never live to see our daughter come out of bondage. It may happen after we are gone or it may never happen. But we are determined to hold fast to Scripture. We aren’t the Holy Spirit. We are simply messenger boys. She is Jesus’s creation and she was her little girl before she became our little girl. Before she was formed in the womb He knew her. Take comfort that Jesus cares and He is on the job. Be blessed!

    4. If you cut your daughter off, you will miss out on a wonderful opportunity to expand your comfort zone and become accepting and tolerant. That is a big price to pay to stick to your beliefs. She may never forgive you… and if she does, she will be the better person.

      1. Christians must obey God rather than man. Mallory, if you have no relationship with Jesus then you cannot understand this concept. No real Christian will become “tolerant” of the homosexual lifestyle choice. That option isn’t permitted by our Lord Jesus or the Word of God. Mallory, it is YOU who needs to come to Jesus and be healed. Only Jesus can give you the love you so desperately seek.

  17. Thank you Trish for the affirmations. I have been meditating on whether this is a strengthening test for what’s ahead and if that is the case, it is the hardest one I have ever had to face and I lived anything but a sheltered life so for me to say this is tough, well you know what I mean = D

    1. You are most welcome, this is the struggle of my life so I know EXACTLY what you mean! Stay in the word, pray and surround yourself with Christians that can encourage you! I am here right there with you!

  18. Thank you Trish for sharing your situation, the advice and most of all, your prayers! I don’t see my daughter very much either as she is out your way and I am in Oregon. I wish my daughter respected where I am (and her at one time) coming from but at this point she refuses to. She came here alone recently to attend a festival and not only refused to see my point when she asked about coming for Thanksgiving she totally disrespected us in general like cussing profusely in the house and when I demanded she stop doing that she went outside and threw a profanity laden tantrum in my backyard like she was a filthy mouthed two year old! I do really believe she carries some spirits that I am having a hard time getting through because of the fact she is my daughter and I am vulnerable. I do as you said, just try to see past her sexual relationship but it’s all she wants to talk about so needless to say, we have not been talking much but I’ve been praying a lot = D Thank you again for sharing as it really helped. My prayers are with you and your daughter as well. = )

    1. Wow Tracy, what a tough situation to be in. If my daughter was disrespectful to me it would be very tough to be around her! I would just point you towards the bible. If it were me, I would set boundaries and if she can’t abide by them then as harsh as it sounds I would not see her. I know about vulnerability and oceans of tears. Trust in the Lord he will guide you and lead you. Have faith in him he is allowing this to pass through him for some purpose. I would have to ask myself what is he trying to teach you? You can’t change your daughter but he can and he will all in his timing. He may be testing your faith remember God loves your daughter more than you. God Bless you.

  19. You are most welcome! I am here if you need more encouragement and support! With God all things are possible! I look at this situation with my daughter and think okay Lord what is in this that you have for me to learn?????????

  20. Hi, I’m new to this and I have to admit I’m not feeling comfortable with doing this. Me and my husbands are christians and are struggleing with our daughter’s decision. I know it is a chioce and she was not born his way but how do I love her effectivly so I can continue to have a relationship with her and be able to minister to her. She knows truth, she grew up in a christian home. If I start to say verses she can finish them. Is there any books,lititure suppot groups available to parent like myself? I need suppot with skin right now!!

    1. Hi and I can appreciate your situation! I don’t know where you are located in the country but there is a Christian support group in the Dallas Texas area called Living Hope. I understand exactly how you feel believe me, I have been dealing with this for 5 years now with my daughter. I can recommend a few books first off anything written by Joe Dallas is helpful. When homosexuality hits home, a strong delusion are both good books written by Joe. Another one is Someone I love is Gay written by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies. I would read this one first. Just stay in contact with your daughter and love her. Keep the lines of communications open with your daughter and let her know she can always come to you. Look for Christian support groups in your community. I can tell you from my own experience with my adult daughter that telling her lifestyle is not God’s best for her, made no impact upon her she has justified this choice of hers. Pray daily for your daughter and her partner. Pray that the holy spirit will convict her and change her heart because he can and he is the only one that can! I am here if you need to communicate more. I know how tough this is. I raised my daughter alone and she is my only child.


      1. Thank You Trush, I ahve been trying to keep the communication open and as you know this has been very difficult. Thank you for your recommendation of books. It will be helpful to start some where.

  21. That last comment helped me so much, my daughter married her partner after less than a month, I am sorrowful about it but they assume because they are legally married I have to allow them to sleep together. I don’t care about the law of man, its God’s law I want to obey

    1. Amen Grace! Just because the laws say they can legally marry doesn’t mean you have to recognize their marriage as such. God’s laws trump man’s laws any day and I just pray that more Christians have the boldness to take the stand that you and many others have already decided to take.

      Stay strong and prayerful and always with the love of Christ!

  22. Oh K do I know EXACTLY how you are feeling! I have been dealing with my emotions about my only child a daughter for 5 years now. I at first would not allow the partner to come to my house. Then the holy spirit convicted me and showed me that is not loving like Christ loves. I also realized that I can not be of any influence to her if I am not in a relationship with her. I have made it very clear to my daughter that I do not believe it is God’s best for her to be in a lesbian relationship. My daughter says she is a Christian? That is between her and God. I do know this, it is not for me to judge. If you have shared with your daughter your convictions about her relationship than I am sure she knows where you stand. I personally would invite your daughter and her friend. You may be the only Christian that has any influence upon them? . I do think you are smart to set up boundaries for them like no PDA. I have shared that with my daughter and she did agree. By spending time with your daughter and the partner you can be a Godly influence in their lives and God may very well be using you for this! Pray continuously for both of them. You are much farther along than I was when I first found out about my daughter. Blessings to you and many hugs! Trish

    1. In a similar situation with a daughter in her early twenties. Struggling with this comment contradicting point #7 in the above article.

      1. David, what about the comment in number 7 that you are struggling with? Or did I misunderstand you here?

        1. Carlotta, Thank you for your reply. I am not trying to be legalistic or a nitpicker. This concept of how to cope with a gay child that professes to be a Christian is where I am struggling. My daughter is in her early twenties, living on her own but we are helping her with medical and car insurance. She has battled with substance abuse for the last few years and is currently clean.
          I have younger teen children in my home and am concerned the message of accepting her partner into our family relays an unspoken message that its “ok” with us. I know the “books” say accepting someone into your home does not mean you condone the lifestyle but in my heart I don’t agree with that. If my daughter brought a drug dealer, homosexual or a religious hypocrite into our home (which all three has happened) they would be and have been accepted and loved and invited at our table in hope their hearts would be turned to Christ. My daughter bringing her girlfriend over for holidays, exchanging presents playing family games at picnics, I believe is relaying a message that my daughters lifestyle is on equal ground with the other siblings bringing their boyfriends or girlfriends over. In point 7 above 1 Corinthians 5:9-13 would indicate that I
          should cut off ties from both my daughter and partner. In Trish’s comment above she states: “My daughter says she is a Christian? That is between her and God. I do know this, it is not for me to judge. If you have shared with your daughter your convictions about her relationship than I am sure she knows where you stand. I personally would invite your daughter and her friend. ” Is this a contradiction? I have read the books above, I have sought counsel but I still wrestle. We have spoken to my daughter and her partner and tried to explain where we stand and why. My daughter got it, her partner did not. It is so very sad, My heart breaks for her. My heart fears the future for my family as possible differences of opinion on this subject among siblings may continue to fracture the family. But I fear God more than fearing the loss of my daughter. Only a parent in this situation can understand the depths of pain that statement represents. Thank you for your time.

          1. David, I know exactly how you feel. Believe me, I have struggled over this for five years now going on six years with my only daughter. Here is how I personally see it, God tells us to love God and to love others. Without associating with our children and their partners, how are we going to love them and be of a Godly influence upon them? I have been around folks that say no you should have nothing to do with them because they are sinning. I don’t think breaking a relationship off with our children is a good thing no matter what. How is that helpful and honoring Jesus? . My daughter knows how much I do not approve of her lifestyle choice. Well, tell me, who doesn’t sin besides Jesus? I see where this is an issue with other children. I only have one child. But, as long as your other children know how you believe and feel about this issue I personally think the act of being loving towards your adult child and her partner will speak volumes to the others. My two cents worth only.

          2. David and Trish, I’ll use one of my adult sons as an example of the message that God is trying to get across to us through the scriptures. One of my sons who was professing Christ as his savior, took a turn to the darkside and got involved with gangs, illegal marijuana, women and etc. I disassociated myself from him, not allowing him to come to my house with his gang colors or smelling marijuana on him. He wasn’t allowed on my property at all. This son even became abusive and I to make a long story short, I called the cops on him in which he spent a couple of days in jail.

            Days out of jail, he now comes over to my house without gang colors, without marijuana and is very respectful of me. What he does on his own time not around me is his business because I really don’t know. As long as he appears to be doing what’s right, he has my blessings. He’s the youngest of my five kids and the rest are no where like their rebel little brother.

            God wants us to use tough love to get the message across that if you are a child of God, you must act like one or be disassociated. It’s the unbelievers that we give a little more leeway, (depending upon the situation). Tough love doesn’t mean we don’t love them, but sends the message that we do.

            Now this son and I have a pretty decent relationship. He even gets mad now if he thinks I’m letting one of his siblings get away with things and reminds me that “they need to suffer the consequences mom!”

            So as harsh as the scriptures appear to be, we must trust God and exercise His word. The person you are exercising the godly discipline towards may react well or may very well react worse. We aren’t responsible for their actions but pray that they will take the discipline as a means of love and correct their wayward actions.

          3. Hi David, I totally understand your points. I like my daughter’s friend as an individual from talking to her on the phone and text etc., she’s really nice and if I were to sit them down together to share my convictions on the subject, the friend would get it but my daughter would probably never speak to me again. I have not met her friend in person as they live in a different state so I don’t know what it’s like (as you do) to see it in your home. Honestly, I don’t know what would come out of my mouth and so I have avoided such a meeting so far. On the surface, the easiest thing would be to just go with the flow in an effort to keep that bond with our daughters but the spirit within us as God’s children, sanctified and separated as His own begs to differ and this is a struggle we cannot explain to a generation that has been taken over by their imaginations. I keep recalling somewhere in my memory, a verse in the Bible that said (I think it was Jesus) something like father and son will be divided and mother against daughter etc. That passage pierced me years ago in a way I cannot describe and I remember thinking, “what would I do if that happened to me?” At the time, I couldn’t think of anything that would divide me from any of my daughters. At the time, this particular subject that has brought us here had never entered my mind. This world we live in now thinks that if the majority goes along with an idea then it must be right and if you don’t go along with it you are a plague on society. Let’s go back several years when half our country believed there was nothing wrong with slavery even though the Bible says we shall not take another as property. As long as everyone goes along with it, it’s o.k. But we all know slavery was wrong whether you are a Christian or not. To me this explosion of homosexual behavior in the last decade or so has similarities. Our spirits know this is wrong no matter who is choosing to participate (even our children). I pray for all the parents in this boat that it doesn’t have to come to a permanent division, In Jesus’ Name- Amen

  23. Hi, my daughter just told me she was confused and now in relationship with a woman. At one time my daughter knew The Lord and her partner as well. They do not call themselves Christians. My biggest concern is do I invite them to my house for family functions? I know I have my rules at my house. No signs of affections and sleeping in the same room. Do I hang out with them and do fun things and do I invite the partner to my house? This is my biggest struggle because if I do I feel as if I am saying the relationship is ok. I have no problem being with my daughter alone. I liked her partner as a person and feel bad now that I can’t invite to my house because I feel as if I will be saying its ok. I am a Christian, I believe it is a sin. So by my hanging out with both at my house, or at their place , am I sinning and saying their relationship is ok?

    1. K, the important fact is that your daughter and her partner are not claiming to be Christians. So I would treat them as any other unsaved person, knowing that what they need more than anything is the gospel. Since they both have heard the gospel and are rejecting Christ, all you can do is pray that they one day will submit to our Lord.

      You are right to set rules for your home and they should be aware of your boundaries that you have. Other than that, I see no problem with you inviting them to family functions or hanging out with them. Just make sure they know where you stand regarding homosexuality and that you will never accept it but will accept them. It will be up to them if they want to hang out with a person such as yourself who believes homosexuality is a sin. Just be sure though that your hanging out doesn’t get to the point where people are associating you with her lifestyle – because as Christians we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

      I just recently had a great mother’s day weekend when I traveled to Georgia and spent mother’s day with my mom and about 18 other relatives which included my lesbian cousin and her partner. She knows my position on homosexuality as my mother’s but we all had a great time dining at a restaurant with the rest of the family members. She knows I love her as my dear cousin and that’s what is important for me to show her.

      So don’t feel guilty spending time with someone who is obviously in rebellion toward our Lord. Showing them love and not condemnation is Christ’s way all the way!

      “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17

      1. Hi there! The above situation is very similar to mine except I have not met the other person face to face yet, only on the phone. My daughter is 28 now but the situation has been building for some time. I admit early on I just tried to avoid the subject when she was in a relationship with a girl because it wouldn’t last long and she would be mad in love with a boy the next time. I never had a problem voicing my opinion over her promiscuity but the communication gap grew quite huge when she started professing she was an atheist and polyamorous (I know, are you kidding me!?!). Now she is in what she calls a committed relationship with a girl that looks like she could be her sister. They live in another state which alleviates the uncomfortable but it is coming to a head soon because being the all or nothing kind of girl my daughter is, she is refusing to accept my stance that I love her and am happy that she is happy but cannot be happy with the reason she is happy, She has mentioned she wants to bring her home for Thanksgiving this Fall but I have not responded either way. I’m in utter anguish inside because I always want to be behind everything my kids do but I just can’t in this case. I swear it sometimes seems like it would be so much easier to give into the pressure of things and forget the truth but you just can’t and even though we have read about and have been warned all these things would happen and we prayed like crazy for all it was happening to, you never fully realize what a powerful blow it is until it hits home. If you could offer any suggestions on how to answer her about the holidays that would be so appreciated and prayer is ALWAYS welcome. Thank you Everyone..

        1. Hi Tracy, Trish here. I understand your feelings and thought processes on your gay daughter. I totally agree with your statement on how powerful a blow it is WHEN it hits home. I totally get it. I worked in Real Estate offices with lots of gay folks but when MY daughter came out I thought I was going to die……. I cried for two years! My suggestions on how to answer your daughter is to think and pray on it until you come to a solid answer. Here is what I have learned from my 5 years of experiencing my daughters gayness. It has put a huge block in our relationship. But partly because I have only focused on that! So I am to blame for some of this! My daughter is more than her sexuality! I have told her that and yet I focus on it? What is wrong with this picture? I have put some boundaries in place for my benefit and she is willing to comply. First off is no physical affection between her and her partner in front of me or my husband. Second is they can stay at our home if need be but in separate bedrooms. Keep in mind my daughter does not live in Texas anymore so I don’t see her near enough. I haven’t seen her in two years to be exact. I am going to Missouri to go visit her for three days in October. I will be staying in a hotel for my comfort level. It is her partner that she is living with and I have no real idea what she is like. Here is another thing I have come to realize biblically, we are called to love others. So to me that means I am to be kind and considerate to all I am around. Including my daughters partner! I don’t believe this lady is a Christian so I need to model that for her is my thoughts. I can tell you this much. I have met a few of my daughters previous partners. The one that moved her from Texas to Missouri I actually like and have communicated with since my daughter and her have split up. She mentioned to me that if I have time on my visit to see my daughter in Oct. to see her. I mentioned this to my daughter and she about came unglued. I found that totally ironic since it was through my daughter I met her! LOL! Gotta have some humor in this too! I have compassion for this lady her parents want nothing to do with her since they were faced with her gayness. I have told my daughter that I love her and always will, but do not support her choice of acting upon her gayness. It has made our relationship strained for sure. But I believe the bible is truth and does not support gay lifestyles or sexual immorality of any type. I stand on that and my daughter knows that. I am fortunate enough to have a daughter that respects my choices. But it does not make this easy by any means. My only suggestion is to always keep communications open with your daughter. I completely understand where you are in all of this. Prayers for you are going up!

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