January 6, 2011

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How to cope with having a gay family member

by Carlotta Morrow — Categories: Homosexuality, Special Topics, Top Posts — Tags: , , , , 141 Comments

For the Christian, there has to be nothing more painful than knowing that a family member is struggling with or living defiantly in a lifestyle contrary to God’s moral laws. Whether it be drugs, addictions, sexual immorality of all kinds and various other offenses against God.  It’s extremely painful for all involved.

I recently received an email from a reader of my blog desperate for answers in how to cope with her daughter who is a lesbian.  This reader has done the best she could in raising a child up in a godly home. But circumstances beyond her control have led her daughter to choose the lesbian lifestyle.  What shall she do?

After watching my aunt deal with my lesbian cousin, I’ve learned a lot how one can successfully cope with an LGBT (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual or transgendered) family member while not losing one’s heart, hope and mind in the process.

Here’s a list of a few things that I’ve witnessed from my aunt and others who are coping well:

  1. Pray!  Immediately put that family in your prayers and ask God for their deliverance.  Deliverance either through salvation or if they are a struggling Christian, pray for their strength to leave the gay lifestyle once and for all.   (See post on Can you be a Christian and a homosexual). Ask God also for the strength and wisdom to deal with the situation as God will turn your trial into triumph!  (Hebrews 11 entire chapter)
    Evening and morning and at noon I will pray, and cry aloud, And He shall hear my voice.
    Psalm 55:17 – NKJV
  2. Don’t tackle this alone! Seek godly counsel and I mean GOD-ly counsel, counsel from Christians that you know do who do not water down God’s word and are wise as well as loving people.  Find Christian friends who will stand with you in prayer and support!
    BLESSED is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;  But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night.
    - Psalm 1:1-2 NKJV
  3. Let that family member know that you love them, but you stand with God’s word that says that homosexuality is a sin.  Give the scriptures so that they know it’s not of your personal opinion but as God says it is in both the Old and New Testaments. (Leviticus 18:22,  20:13;  1 Corinthians 6:9; Romans 1:26-27)
    For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature.
    Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due. – Rom 1:26-27
    NKJV
  4. And always have hope that your family member will change. While hoping for the best, accept them where they are in their lives. That old saying to hate the sin and love the sinner still holds very true!
    (Love) . . . bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1Corinthians 13:7 NKJV
  5. Don’t take it personally and carry guilt for something you  believe you didn’t do right.  There is no such thing as a perfect parent so even if you did feel you made a few mistakes along the way – ask God to forgive you and forgive yourself then let it go!  Guilt will do nothing more than eat at your very soul if you allow it.
    If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. – 1John 1:9 NKJV
  6. If that person professes to be gay but doesn’t profess to be a Christian, then associate with them as you normally would. If it’s a child, don’t throw them out in the streets but love them and let them know that no homosexual activity will be allowed in your home and they won’t be allowed to be associated with gay friends outside of school activities (if this can be helped).
  7. Professing Christians have to be handled differently. As with any sin, a person who professes to know Christ but persists in sin has to be handled with very tough love. “
    “I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people— not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked man from among you.” 1 Corinthians 5:9-13

    Persistent sin is serious among believers and if you know anyone who calls himself belonging to Christ and practices sin, then they must be disassociated (except for your dependent children). I would think twice about what I’m doing if family and friends chose not to have anything to do with me because of my practice of a particular sin.  This is different than a person knowingly struggling and is repentful and trying to change.

These are just a few suggestions and I know there are plenty others that many can share.  I know many non-believers and some professing Christians would criticize this article as ridiculous, believing that there shouldn’t be any issue in coping with a homosexual family member.  But if you truly love God’s word and hate sin as He does, then yes, coping with sinful lifestyles becomes something major in life to tackle!

Don’t lose hope people and all one has to do is to look at the many ex-homosexuals whose testimonies I have plastered all over my blog.  Some of you have been a little confused thinking that I am also an ex-gay. I’m not, but when many members of the LGBT community visited my blog during my activism for Prop 8 to ban gay marriages, I decided then to present information that it IS possible to change from being gay and that there is hope for friends and family members who want change for their loved ones.

Just remember, with Christ, ALL things are possible!

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.” – Mark 9:23 NKJV

Updated 1/8/12

© 2011 – 2014, Carlotta Morrow. All rights reserved.

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141 Comments »

  1. Tracy Segura says:

    Thank you Trish for the affirmations. I have been meditating on whether this is a strengthening test for what’s ahead and if that is the case, it is the hardest one I have ever had to face and I lived anything but a sheltered life so for me to say this is tough, well you know what I mean = D

    • Trish says:

      You are most welcome, this is the struggle of my life so I know EXACTLY what you mean! Stay in the word, pray and surround yourself with Christians that can encourage you! I am here right there with you!

  2. Tracy Segura says:

    Thank you Trish for sharing your situation, the advice and most of all, your prayers! I don’t see my daughter very much either as she is out your way and I am in Oregon. I wish my daughter respected where I am (and her at one time) coming from but at this point she refuses to. She came here alone recently to attend a festival and not only refused to see my point when she asked about coming for Thanksgiving she totally disrespected us in general like cussing profusely in the house and when I demanded she stop doing that she went outside and threw a profanity laden tantrum in my backyard like she was a filthy mouthed two year old! I do really believe she carries some spirits that I am having a hard time getting through because of the fact she is my daughter and I am vulnerable. I do as you said, just try to see past her sexual relationship but it’s all she wants to talk about so needless to say, we have not been talking much but I’ve been praying a lot = D Thank you again for sharing as it really helped. My prayers are with you and your daughter as well. = )

    • Trish says:

      Wow Tracy, what a tough situation to be in. If my daughter was disrespectful to me it would be very tough to be around her! I would just point you towards the bible. If it were me, I would set boundaries and if she can’t abide by them then as harsh as it sounds I would not see her. I know about vulnerability and oceans of tears. Trust in the Lord he will guide you and lead you. Have faith in him he is allowing this to pass through him for some purpose. I would have to ask myself what is he trying to teach you? You can’t change your daughter but he can and he will all in his timing. He may be testing your faith remember God loves your daughter more than you. God Bless you.

  3. Trish says:

    You are most welcome! I am here if you need more encouragement and support! With God all things are possible! I look at this situation with my daughter and think okay Lord what is in this that you have for me to learn?????????

  4. lKreller says:

    Hi, I’m new to this and I have to admit I’m not feeling comfortable with doing this. Me and my husbands are christians and are struggleing with our daughter’s decision. I know it is a chioce and she was not born his way but how do I love her effectivly so I can continue to have a relationship with her and be able to minister to her. She knows truth, she grew up in a christian home. If I start to say verses she can finish them. Is there any books,lititure suppot groups available to parent like myself? I need suppot with skin right now!!

    • Patricia Hanson says:

      Hi and I can appreciate your situation! I don’t know where you are located in the country but there is a Christian support group in the Dallas Texas area called Living Hope. I understand exactly how you feel believe me, I have been dealing with this for 5 years now with my daughter. I can recommend a few books first off anything written by Joe Dallas is helpful. When homosexuality hits home, a strong delusion are both good books written by Joe. Another one is Someone I love is Gay written by Anita Worthen and Bob Davies. I would read this one first. Just stay in contact with your daughter and love her. Keep the lines of communications open with your daughter and let her know she can always come to you. Look for Christian support groups in your community. I can tell you from my own experience with my adult daughter that telling her lifestyle is not God’s best for her, made no impact upon her she has justified this choice of hers. Pray daily for your daughter and her partner. Pray that the holy spirit will convict her and change her heart because he can and he is the only one that can! I am here if you need to communicate more. I know how tough this is. I raised my daughter alone and she is my only child.

      Trish

      • Lkreller says:

        Thank You Trush, I ahve been trying to keep the communication open and as you know this has been very difficult. Thank you for your recommendation of books. It will be helpful to start some where.

  5. trish says:

    Amen amen. If I had an Amen flag I would be flying it!

  6. Grace says:

    That last comment helped me so much, my daughter married her partner after less than a month, I am sorrowful about it but they assume because they are legally married I have to allow them to sleep together. I don’t care about the law of man, its God’s law I want to obey

    • Carlotta Morrow
      Twitter: christocentric
      says:

      Amen Grace! Just because the laws say they can legally marry doesn’t mean you have to recognize their marriage as such. God’s laws trump man’s laws any day and I just pray that more Christians have the boldness to take the stand that you and many others have already decided to take.

      Stay strong and prayerful and always with the love of Christ!

  7. Trish says:

    Oh K do I know EXACTLY how you are feeling! I have been dealing with my emotions about my only child a daughter for 5 years now. I at first would not allow the partner to come to my house. Then the holy spirit convicted me and showed me that is not loving like Christ loves. I also realized that I can not be of any influence to her if I am not in a relationship with her. I have made it very clear to my daughter that I do not believe it is God’s best for her to be in a lesbian relationship. My daughter says she is a Christian? That is between her and God. I do know this, it is not for me to judge. If you have shared with your daughter your convictions about her relationship than I am sure she knows where you stand. I personally would invite your daughter and her friend. You may be the only Christian that has any influence upon them? . I do think you are smart to set up boundaries for them like no PDA. I have shared that with my daughter and she did agree. By spending time with your daughter and the partner you can be a Godly influence in their lives and God may very well be using you for this! Pray continuously for both of them. You are much farther along than I was when I first found out about my daughter. Blessings to you and many hugs! Trish

  8. K says:

    Hi, my daughter just told me she was confused and now in relationship with a woman. At one time my daughter knew The Lord and her partner as well. They do not call themselves Christians. My biggest concern is do I invite them to my house for family functions? I know I have my rules at my house. No signs of affections and sleeping in the same room. Do I hang out with them and do fun things and do I invite the partner to my house? This is my biggest struggle because if I do I feel as if I am saying the relationship is ok. I have no problem being with my daughter alone. I liked her partner as a person and feel bad now that I can’t invite to my house because I feel as if I will be saying its ok. I am a Christian, I believe it is a sin. So by my hanging out with both at my house, or at their place , am I sinning and saying their relationship is ok?

    • Carlotta Morrow
      Twitter: christocentric
      says:

      K, the important fact is that your daughter and her partner are not claiming to be Christians. So I would treat them as any other unsaved person, knowing that what they need more than anything is the gospel. Since they both have heard the gospel and are rejecting Christ, all you can do is pray that they one day will submit to our Lord.

      You are right to set rules for your home and they should be aware of your boundaries that you have. Other than that, I see no problem with you inviting them to family functions or hanging out with them. Just make sure they know where you stand regarding homosexuality and that you will never accept it but will accept them. It will be up to them if they want to hang out with a person such as yourself who believes homosexuality is a sin. Just be sure though that your hanging out doesn’t get to the point where people are associating you with her lifestyle – because as Christians we are not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers.

      I just recently had a great mother’s day weekend when I traveled to Georgia and spent mother’s day with my mom and about 18 other relatives which included my lesbian cousin and her partner. She knows my position on homosexuality as my mother’s but we all had a great time dining at a restaurant with the rest of the family members. She knows I love her as my dear cousin and that’s what is important for me to show her.

      So don’t feel guilty spending time with someone who is obviously in rebellion toward our Lord. Showing them love and not condemnation is Christ’s way all the way!

      “For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him.” John 3:17

      • Tracy Segura says:

        Hi there! The above situation is very similar to mine except I have not met the other person face to face yet, only on the phone. My daughter is 28 now but the situation has been building for some time. I admit early on I just tried to avoid the subject when she was in a relationship with a girl because it wouldn’t last long and she would be mad in love with a boy the next time. I never had a problem voicing my opinion over her promiscuity but the communication gap grew quite huge when she started professing she was an atheist and polyamorous (I know, are you kidding me!?!). Now she is in what she calls a committed relationship with a girl that looks like she could be her sister. They live in another state which alleviates the uncomfortable but it is coming to a head soon because being the all or nothing kind of girl my daughter is, she is refusing to accept my stance that I love her and am happy that she is happy but cannot be happy with the reason she is happy, She has mentioned she wants to bring her home for Thanksgiving this Fall but I have not responded either way. I’m in utter anguish inside because I always want to be behind everything my kids do but I just can’t in this case. I swear it sometimes seems like it would be so much easier to give into the pressure of things and forget the truth but you just can’t and even though we have read about and have been warned all these things would happen and we prayed like crazy for all it was happening to, you never fully realize what a powerful blow it is until it hits home. If you could offer any suggestions on how to answer her about the holidays that would be so appreciated and prayer is ALWAYS welcome. Thank you Everyone..

        • Trish says:

          Hi Tracy, Trish here. I understand your feelings and thought processes on your gay daughter. I totally agree with your statement on how powerful a blow it is WHEN it hits home. I totally get it. I worked in Real Estate offices with lots of gay folks but when MY daughter came out I thought I was going to die……. I cried for two years! My suggestions on how to answer your daughter is to think and pray on it until you come to a solid answer. Here is what I have learned from my 5 years of experiencing my daughters gayness. It has put a huge block in our relationship. But partly because I have only focused on that! So I am to blame for some of this! My daughter is more than her sexuality! I have told her that and yet I focus on it? What is wrong with this picture? I have put some boundaries in place for my benefit and she is willing to comply. First off is no physical affection between her and her partner in front of me or my husband. Second is they can stay at our home if need be but in separate bedrooms. Keep in mind my daughter does not live in Texas anymore so I don’t see her near enough. I haven’t seen her in two years to be exact. I am going to Missouri to go visit her for three days in October. I will be staying in a hotel for my comfort level. It is her partner that she is living with and I have no real idea what she is like. Here is another thing I have come to realize biblically, we are called to love others. So to me that means I am to be kind and considerate to all I am around. Including my daughters partner! I don’t believe this lady is a Christian so I need to model that for her is my thoughts. I can tell you this much. I have met a few of my daughters previous partners. The one that moved her from Texas to Missouri I actually like and have communicated with since my daughter and her have split up. She mentioned to me that if I have time on my visit to see my daughter in Oct. to see her. I mentioned this to my daughter and she about came unglued. I found that totally ironic since it was through my daughter I met her! LOL! Gotta have some humor in this too! I have compassion for this lady her parents want nothing to do with her since they were faced with her gayness. I have told my daughter that I love her and always will, but do not support her choice of acting upon her gayness. It has made our relationship strained for sure. But I believe the bible is truth and does not support gay lifestyles or sexual immorality of any type. I stand on that and my daughter knows that. I am fortunate enough to have a daughter that respects my choices. But it does not make this easy by any means. My only suggestion is to always keep communications open with your daughter. I completely understand where you are in all of this. Prayers for you are going up!

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